Friday, May 25, 2012

Just a Word

Many are the plans in a man's heart, 
but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. 

In the back of my head I knew. This medical brain of mine knew that two plus two would have to equal four. The symptoms were all adding up and pointing in that direction. I tried to ignore it, pretend it would go away, but people around me started to notice my body was failing. Hope was wishing against it, thinking there would be another way out. Then the confirmation, tests came back positive, extremely positive. The diagnosis that felt like a thousand pounds being dropped on my heart. I made jokes because it was less exhausting but the disappointment ran deep. The word... I knew what it meant.

What does this mean for my future? Babies? Africa? Why would desires so deeply rooted in my soul be denied? It seemed like another dream was slipping away. It felt like punishment. It felt like I'd been abandoned. The enemy crept in and whispered loudly as I tried to make sense of it all. "A good God would never let this happen." "A faithful God would not forsake you like this." The lies surfaced quickly. Lies based on emotions, on circumstances, on pride, on the skewed principles of this world.
Thankfully, I do not serve a God who sways with emotions. My God is constant despite circumstances. The same yesterday as He is today and forever. That is truth. The compass that never wavers when the wind starts blowing. The same Savior who conquered death is the author of my story. He's big enough to handle my disappointments. My heart repeats over and over each day "your God is a good God." How is this good? Honestly, I haven't the slightest idea. But I believe with all my heart that my God, in His perfect holiness, holds me securely and knows best. It may never equal my comfort, my success, or my picture perfect dreams but it most certainly, somehow, will equal the incomparable joy of knowing my Father's heart more deeply. An opportunity to press into a God of unbelievable compassion, who rescued me from my filth. His relentless love is more than enough. What else could this heart desire? 

His ways are perfect, I know that full well. They will succeed. Nothing can thwart them. And they lead to His glory and fame. This life is just a breath. Lupus is just a word. The truth remains the same. I want to love well and live abundantly and never stop singing praises of the God I serve. No matter the season or the circumstances or the emotions that masquerade as truth, your God is a good God. 

The Lord your God is with you, 
He is mighty to save. 
He will take great delight in you, 
He will quiet you with His love, 
He will rejoice over you with singing.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

New York

I spent this last weekend in one of my favorite cities in the world, with two of my favorite people in the world, and it was glorious. When I was here for my break in March, I needed to blow off steam, I needed to go dancing til 3 am, I needed to sing Whitney (RIP) and Mariah duets at a shady country bar. I needed to laugh so hard my abs would hurt for days. & trust me, they did. It was the perfect distraction from school & the minutia of Nashville.

This time I needed rest. I needed to sleep until 11am. I needed a picnic in central park. I needed to see Newsies (I may not have "needed" Newsies but I loved it!) I needed the type of deep comfort and familiarity that only family brings. And these two are family.

I've only known Christopher since March, but from the moment I met him, I adored him. He has a heart of gold and an ear for great music. Good gracious, I am head over heels. He has established a permanent spot in my heart. He has become family.

And then of course, there's Bradford. I'm not sure anyone else gets me quite like that boy. Soulmates through and through. We may not see each other for years at a time, but when we do, its as if only minutes have passed. We catch up right where we left off and drive everyone around us insane with our inside jokes and nonstop ridiculousness. Needless to say, he holds a huge piece of my heart. He has always been family. 

Family love is unconditional. It sees the faults and chooses to love anyways. Its those people who know what you're thinking without words, those who pick up your load when you are beyond exhausted, those who fight for you and believe in you. They are the ones who celebrate your birthday a month and a half early just because. They are the ones who make sure the birthday dessert at the restaurant is dairy free. I came home well rested because I had been with family. New York is lucky to have these two. & so am I. 

1 Cor 13:13 "So now these three remain: faith, hope, and love; 
but the greatest of these is love."