Monday, October 29, 2012

Doc

My heart has been so heavy today as I learned that the director of my PA program was diagnosed with a brain tumor over the weekend. He is one of the toughest teachers I've ever had and yet his heart for students is evident. He is hard on us because He is more concerned with our character than our comfort. He wanted to push us, challenge us, make us think on our feet. And though there were times when he made me want to pull my hair out, he has become like a respected, beloved father to me and my classmates. We adore him. 

I sat at work today praying & journaling and was reminded what a mighty God we serve. My prayer...

What is 4cm to You? What is a glioblastoma in Your eyes? Nothing. Not a challenge, not a struggle to overcome. An easy victory in Your hands... the hands that conjured up every cell of our being, that formed every hair on our heads, that knit together every inch of us. With a word You create, with a thought You give life. The God who named the stars, who formed the seas, who made beauty from the dust, this is nothing for You. 
A prognosis means nothing to You. 
You laugh at what man says is impossible, for with You ALL things are possible. 

You made the blind man see. You made the woman stop bleeding. You brought the dead to life. You parted the sea. You rescued from the lions den. You brought forth water from the rock. You fed thousands from seven loaves of bread. You brought Jericho's walls down. You opened the ears of the deaf. You walked on water. You gave my heart of stone new life. You defeated the grave.
King of glory, You are the same! You have not changed! The same healer that You were then, You are today! You still rescue, You still give life, Your power is unmatched, Your love is relentless! Miracles are not a challenge for You! There is no circumstance bigger than You! 
Still full of mercy, still abundant in grace, still singing over us, still delighting in Your children. 
You are always good, always just, always sovereign!
Awesome in power, who is like You? I know not one! 

Ps 91:11 "He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways." 
May Your peace overflow, Your presence be known, Your hand be evident, Your glory be revealed, Your name be exalted, Your will be done.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Not For Me


The perspective change. One of those moments where God takes the way you’re looking at a situation and tilts it on its side so nothing appears the same. For me, they can be sweet lightbulb moments or, most of the time, they are painful wrecking balls, revealing a selfishness or unwillingness in my heart. And that’s what this was.

Since May, I have often wondered why God has called me to Africa while, at the same time it seems, He is physically wrecking me… days when I’m exhausted, in pain, when the joints in my hands will just not cooperate and I am beyond frustrated. I know He is increasing my dependence on Him and breaking my need for control, I know He is good, I just fight to see the purpose in it. The equations don’t seem to work out for good.
Africa + a weakened immune system = not good
surgery needs + unable hands = what’s the point?

Here's the kicker...
What if it’s not about me at all? What if it’s about the people around me? What if it's about the people in Africa? 
Apparently I talk about Uganda a lot. And while I was oblivious to it, God was using my story to help others recognize His call for their lives... His call to Africa.
What if the Lord’s purpose was to use my journey for those people to know their calling?
What if the single reason God asked me to quit my job & go to PA school was to get them to Africa?  
Would all of the pain of the last year be worth it if God said "This is not for you, it’s for them"? 
What if you don't even get to go back to Africa but God used you so that those people would go? 
Could you say "nevertheless, Thy will be done"? 
Am I willing to be used, no matter what the cost, so that someone else may know Jesus or hear their calling? 

Honestly, it takes way too long to answer all of these questions. My selfish heart wants the comfortable, easy, pain free life. And I struggle to think outside of my own circumstances. I get so focused on what God is trying to teach ME in situations instead of looking for the bigger picture, that maybe this isn't about ME at all. Scripture is full of stories showing how one character's journey can affect people, sometimes even generations to come. And those journeys are sometimes painful and those characters sometimes don't have it easy, but in the end, God achieves His purposes and it is good because He is good. 

How faithful is the God we serve? A Father that will stop at nothing to pursue His children. A relentless love that is bigger than our finite minds can grasp. "Your ways, O God, are holy. What god is so great as our God? No one is like you, O Lord; You are great, and Your name is mighty in power." Ps 77:13, Jer 10:6

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Africa

      Today I found out that I officially have a spot in Zimba, Zambia next summer. I applied for the medical mission rotation a while back & today it became a reality. I've dreamed for the last two years of going back & at times its been the sole source of motivation to get me through school. To keep the promises I made. 
I can so easily close my eyes and be taken back to Uganda, the sights, the sounds, the emotion. Knowing I'm going back, my heart wants to explode with excitement and anticipation. And while there is a whisper of fear that wants me to stay stateside in a clinic treating ear infections & handing out Z-paks, engraved on my heart, planted in the depth of my soul are these eyes...

 
These sweet babies that pierce through me and move me to action. I've yet to see anything like them. Two years later, I can still hear their little voices singing and their infectious laughter filling those tiny churches. But most vividly, I can't forget those eyes.



The fears I have for Zambia stem from the unknown, as most fears do. A lack of control, a surrender of expectations. There is no way to prepare for an experience like this. No classes to take, no seminars to attend. Completely unknown & out of my hands. 
At the same time, the unknown is exhilarating. Freedom of expectations, freedom that I'm not the author. The opportunity to see things that I will never see in the States. The opportunity for out of the box experiences. 
But most importantly, the opportunity for my soul to know exactly what it was created for. 
2 Tim 1:4 - "As I remember your tears, I long to see you, that I may be filled with joy."

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Tetelestai


Tetelestai... the Greek word that will be permanently engraved on my right wrist this week. Whoever said tattoos are addictive was not lying. But its more than just a word. Its more than just some Greek symbols. "Tetelestai" translates to "It is finished."

The word is used twice in the New Testament. First in John 19:28... "when Jesus knew that all things were now completed, in order that the scripture might be fulfilled, he said, 'I thirst.'" In verse 30, Christ utters the word himself: "Then when he received the sour wine Jesus said, 'It is finished,' and he bowed his head and gave up his spirit." The scripture was fulfilled. Jesus lived with purpose and the Father's plans were accomplished. Take heart, He has overcome the world!


Anyone who knows me will attest that I am a "Martha" with every ounce of my being. I can't sit still. I am rarely quiet. My nature is anxious and I want to control the outcome of every circumstance... hence the ink on my left wrist, "be still my soul." It's a continual reminder to rest in His faithfulness. He is God, I am not. 

Tetelestai was also written on business documents or receipts in New Testament times to indicate that a bill had been paid in full. Romans 5:8... "but God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Overwhelming grace. I have a monumental debt and nothing to offer as payment and yet the debt has been paid in full... tetelestai. Freedom, no longer a slave to the law. Sin has lost its power, death has lost its sting. 



Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side; 
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain. 
Be still my soul; thy best, thy Heavenly friend. 
Through thorny ways, leads to a joyful end. 

Most often, the reason I struggle to be still is because I believe the lie that I need to work for my righteousness but tetelestai refutes that concept. The work has been done. Ephesians 2 says it best: "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." The ultimate gift of God, rescue from despair. 


The battle is won. It is finished. Tetelestai.

Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ 

Friday, May 25, 2012

Just a Word

Many are the plans in a man's heart, 
but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. 

In the back of my head I knew. This medical brain of mine knew that two plus two would have to equal four. The symptoms were all adding up and pointing in that direction. I tried to ignore it, pretend it would go away, but people around me started to notice my body was failing. Hope was wishing against it, thinking there would be another way out. Then the confirmation, tests came back positive, extremely positive. The diagnosis that felt like a thousand pounds being dropped on my heart. I made jokes because it was less exhausting but the disappointment ran deep. The word... I knew what it meant.

What does this mean for my future? Babies? Africa? Why would desires so deeply rooted in my soul be denied? It seemed like another dream was slipping away. It felt like punishment. It felt like I'd been abandoned. The enemy crept in and whispered loudly as I tried to make sense of it all. "A good God would never let this happen." "A faithful God would not forsake you like this." The lies surfaced quickly. Lies based on emotions, on circumstances, on pride, on the skewed principles of this world.
                                                                                                               
Thankfully, I do not serve a God who sways with emotions. My God is constant despite circumstances. The same yesterday as He is today and forever. That is truth. The compass that never wavers when the wind starts blowing. The same Savior who conquered death is the author of my story. He's big enough to handle my disappointments. My heart repeats over and over each day "your God is a good God." How is this good? Honestly, I haven't the slightest idea. But I believe with all my heart that my God, in His perfect holiness, holds me securely and knows best. It may never equal my comfort, my success, or my picture perfect dreams but it most certainly, somehow, will equal the incomparable joy of knowing my Father's heart more deeply. An opportunity to press into a God of unbelievable compassion, who rescued me from my filth. His relentless love is more than enough. What else could this heart desire? 


His ways are perfect, I know that full well. They will succeed. Nothing can thwart them. And they lead to His glory and fame. This life is just a breath. Lupus is just a word. The truth remains the same. I want to love well and live abundantly and never stop singing praises of the God I serve. No matter the season or the circumstances or the emotions that masquerade as truth, your God is a good God. 

The Lord your God is with you, 
He is mighty to save. 
He will take great delight in you, 
He will quiet you with His love, 
He will rejoice over you with singing.