Sunday, July 26, 2009

Looking Back

What an incredible journey of the Lord's crazy provision and grace over the last eight + months. I feel like now that I'm getting settled into Nashville with more of a routine, its becoming comfortable. And I'm starting to lose sight of what brought me here in the first place. I really don't want the apathy I felt in SC to set in. I need to feel the out-of-my-control-ness so I'm backtracking a bit to remind myself.

Starting off January 2009, I would've told you that life was great. Everything was pretty much going according to my plan, which should've been a clear sign that things were about to fall apart. Oh, hindsight. I had a great job, great community, great friends, great church, great house, great guy... you get the idea. Life was grand because it was easy.

Little did I know, the Lord had plans for me that were not in my dayplanner. The problem was I was mostly talk. I would tell you all day that the Lord was in control. I knew He was. But its one thing to know it and another thing to live it. I had never known the freedom of true faith in the face of the unknown. I've been through some serious bumps in the road in the last few years but I always kept my hand in the situation. I'd never really just let go. I was terrified of the unknown, living with clenched fists, refusing to surrender.

I think the Lord finally said "Enough already!" I'm sure those weren't his exact words but I imagine his frustration as I allowed fear to win over and over, all while talking a pretty good game. So the things that I was putting hope and value in crumbled. Starting with the relationship that crumbled. A heartbreak that I haven't felt before. And yet I have no regrets because I look back and see how the Lord used that situation to get my attention and say, YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL! When it ended, I was broken, truly on my knees. I had zero energy left to try and figure things out or fix things like I usually did. All my great plans were dust.