So I left off with me broken hearted and a big mess. I had not cried in at least a year and now I was sobbing at every song and sappy TV commercial. The flood gates were opened. My facade was cracked and everything pent up came gushing out. After about 2 weeks of breakdowns, I was emotionally exhausted and could do no more.
Around the same time as the boy, I had been falling more and more in love with my church. Not the place I went on Sundays, but the body I was a part of. I was surrounded by real people with real struggles - no pretense, nothing to prove, just doing life and faith together. I had joined a Bible study with amazing women and was getting poured into from all different directions. We were studying the book of Esther and Beth Moore's take on providence was really hitting home for me. Complete with chiastic structures and more "hallelujahs" than I can count.
Esther is the only book of the Bible where God is not actually mentioned, but if you read it and can't see the Lord's hand ALL over it, you are crazy. His orchestration is undeniably evident. At the time, I was like the book of Esther. I couldn't explicitly see God but the writing was on the wall. He was pushing me closer to the edge, preparing me to jump. I just had no idea how much of a leap He'd want me to take.
Beth Moore talked about her struggle with the "what ifs" of life. Issues like "What if I lose a child?", "What if my husband realizes I'm old and leaves me for a younger woman?" I could totally relate. I lived in such fear of the what ifs. "What if the boy breaks my heart?", "What if I never get married?", "What if I lose my job?" The bottom line behind the what ifs is that we like to have predictable lives. We like to know the answers. We like to be comfortable and for things to go our way. And we are terrified that things may slip out of our control. So we live out of fear and trying to minimize risk at every turn.
But really the answer is the same for every what if question. Jesus says, "I AM." Two words. We need to know nothing more than that. All we need. He Is. So when I freak out and say "But what if my life falls apart?" He Is. And has always been and always will be. When the lightbulb went off, I felt like apologizing to God for being so slow. Why did it take me so long to get that? He is enough. If I lose everything, if I never get married, if your husband cheats on you and leaves, will it be painful? Of course. It will hurt like crazy. But He is faithful. He will never forsake. He will always be enough. It got me back to where I was putting my hope.